tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27807986917201902012024-03-19T02:25:31.695-07:00part girl. part cactus.risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-71365730038836084822014-08-03T20:20:00.003-07:002014-09-23T23:23:30.542-07:00needs more emojis.A year ago, someone took pity on me. They said I was too smart to be working at World Market, and I had potential to be doing what I love. So they gave me a job doing what I love, only with a bunch of stuff I don't know how to do thrown in. So I wasn't very good at the new stuff right away, and no one helped me. Then summer came and I worked harder than I've ever worked on anything in my life. I slept very little and drove a lot and did all the things someone proving they don't suck needs to do.<br />
And now I'm applying for a job at World Market.risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-20636780509008258322013-06-14T14:45:00.000-07:002013-06-14T14:45:31.671-07:00divina <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This morning when I opened my eyes and rolled over, I prayed. I prayed, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> "Hey God, could some really good stuff happen? And I'm not talking about the way you make me introspectively realize how much good stuff is happening, like you usually do when I ask for something like this. I'm talking about good cool stuff." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Then I proceeded to introspectively realize that some good stuff has been happening... then I prayed again "that's specifically not what I asked for."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And this is how it goes... </span>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-91426270673106915572013-05-14T23:36:00.002-07:002013-05-15T12:27:51.437-07:00Well, Jesus. It's not that I don't care when a baby doesn't make it to term.<br />
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I was called "an apathetic accomplice to murder of thousands of innocent babies" yesterday, for questioning how someone who is pro-life (my understanding of which, being, someone who opposes all forms of the deliberate taking of life) could celebrate the death penalty.<br />
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Look, I spent most of my life praying for unborn babies. I wanted to start a "Rock4Life" chapter in my hometown in high school. I was like the anti abortion girl. Seriously. That was me. Because I was christian, and because killing babies is the worst thing that can ever happen.<br />
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I still feel that way. I still feel like killing a baby is the worst. But I'm adult now. And I think putting people who are post-fetal into compromising, dangerous, or life threatening situations is also evil. I don't condone abortion. I <i>do</i> appreciate places that give women the tools to never have to be in the position to<i> have</i> to choose what to do with her own body.<br />
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Look, the thing is, I can give you 600,000,000 words right now on being pro-choice but there's no winning there. What this is really about is being Christian and being pro-choice, and being me, in the life and the understanding of this world that I believe comes from being rooted in Christ. Did I trade in my black and white Christianity and judgement glasses for the rose colored glasses of the "world"? Am I inching closer to the pit-fires of hell? (I don't believe in hell.)<br />
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I am getting to this point in my life, where I am dangling off the cliff of Christianity, my finger tips grasping while pebbles crumble under my weight and hit my face as they fall. And you know what the craziest part is?! It's not the far-out fairy tale notion that Jesus was God and Human and then came back like a zombie... that part isn't hard for me to swallow. It's the other people. It's the christians, its the people I grew up with, was in youth group with, prayed with, and who taught me that Jesus' grace is sufficient. They are the people teaching me now that being racist is a little bit okay when your taxes are concerned, that love isn't as important as tradition, and that electing death for post fetal humans out rules the grace of Jesus.<br />
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I was told by fellow Christians that innocent people don't deserve to die, but criminals gave up their chance to live by sinning. But I've been taught all along that no sin is greater than another, and that Jesus' grace is big enough to cover all sins. Apparently, I'm learning, that only God is required to dole this shit out unconditionally, not the job of those who are supposed to be emulating Christ?<br />
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I am truly at a cross roads in my life. If I take on the cross of total human compassion, of radically loving people who commit the most heinous crimes, of not buying into the belief that grace is conditional, of loving my enemies (Matt 5:44) I risk losing many people who are great pillars in my life. I risk losing the ministries that have been a huge part of my life. It will mean a completely different reality for me.<br />
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So what now? I battle my friends, my faith, and question my own compassion. Stay tuned.risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-24899207855053534792013-03-08T11:15:00.001-08:002013-03-08T11:15:49.864-08:00My mom has been using a lot of my brother and my inside jokes recently to bond with me. This proves that she was in fact, awake and alive during my upbringing, she just ignored us.<br />
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<br />risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-90798471780913222112013-03-03T00:03:00.002-08:002013-03-03T00:07:18.125-08:00Wisconsin.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm glad I don't live in Wisconsin anymore. Where does Natalie Dee Live?</span>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-85286771731550285682013-02-27T10:45:00.000-08:002013-02-27T10:45:07.247-08:00Do I Hate Everything?<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I just watched that video where that lady had to put her dog down, and her boyfriend or whatever, decides to give her a pug puppy to cheer her up. It infuriated me. Why?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Was it because I despise the audacity of people to assume that shit they do is important enough to be recorded and broadcast? I am, after all, reporting every dumb thing I experience on twitter, etc. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Is it because it's fucking emotionally exploitive? Your girlfriend weeping because you did something nice is kind of an intimate moment, like, when she starts crying, turn the camera off and just be there, Jesus! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Is it because like, SHE JUST PUT HER LIFE LONG DOG DOWN AND MAYBE SHE NEEDS SOME TIME BEFORE SHE GETS ANOTHER ONE? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Or am I just super jealous? Do I wish I had dudes buying me baby pugs in times of emotional vulnerability and then like, making sure everyone knows how great they are? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Something about this particular video feels so contrived, so invasive. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Where was all my rage directed before I had to know what everyone was watching on youtube all the time? My mom, I guess. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I hate everything. </span>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-34818081363015238082013-01-26T23:37:00.001-08:002013-02-27T10:46:30.363-08:00Clearly, I'm not ready. <span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">If I had a following on this blog, you would know that I lost my sister and one of my best friends this year, along with a sad chorus of other people. I'm beginning to think that if this is happening so close to me, maybe death is after me and keeps missing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Out of the loss of a friend and the experience of the loss of my sister, I have become friends with the brother of my friend Jeremiah, who left us. He posted this song about a month ago, and it has not left my head or my mind..... </span></div>
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risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-64822013589327056082012-10-22T18:55:00.001-07:002012-10-22T18:55:33.173-07:00Jerem.<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">This weekend, I had the opportunity to join together with my peers for a young adult retreat. While I was there I meditated on the loss I've experienced over the past year and was able to focus on healing and ask for prayer. When I left yesterday afternoon I felt like I had just woken from a very long sleep. I felt the cloud of grief lifting for the first time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When I was off the mountain, literally, I got the news that someone I have loved dearly for a long time was gone. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I have been crying and sleeping and aching as I grieve this, try to understand it, and feel the hurts that had started healing this weekend become fresher and reopen. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My mind knows this: Grief is the price you pay for allowing love to dwell in you and join you with others on this journey. I would never trade my grief and do this life over with out the people I've lost to save myself from a minute of anguish. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My heart is broken, though, it aches, it hurts. I am grieving for myself, for my best friends, and for his family. His siblings who lost him so suddenly, like i lost my sister. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I know that God is close to the broken hearted, and that is my strength as I find myself spread out from my friends who I urgently want to be close to, right now. Among my group of friends, I stand alone in that sentiment, that faith I have that I am not breaking all by myself, so I say a silent prayer, and I cry with my friends, because that we can share, and we will be good to ourselves, the way we wish he had been good to himself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I will never not miss him. I'm thankful for that. </span>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-62295796099457561712012-10-10T19:01:00.003-07:002012-10-10T19:02:23.197-07:00total drag.<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I need to release this negativity before it kills me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I hate that I am home waiting for a repair man who is never coming, when I could have gone and ran like 15 errands this afternoon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I hate that it's never quiet here. Planes/honking/car alarms/stereos at ridiculous volumes/yelling/people coughing until they vomit phlegm.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I hate that I can't seem to get a grip on anything.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I hate that I am surrounded by idiots who continue to try to sway their facebook public with anti obama rhetoric even though they live in a god damn blue state- go make your vote count somewhere.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I hate that I know so many people who think that Mitt Romney is a good dude.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I hate that when my sister died all these crazy people came out of the woodwork pledging their undying friendship for my sister to be transferred to me and her son. I haven't heard shit from any of them. And I hate them for it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I hate that my sister's boyfriend left the house he lived in with her with out saying anything to anyone and I will never be able to hold one of her things or wear one of her sweaters or anything, ever.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I hate that every day I walk around with all this trivial sadness and angst inside of me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I hate that the good things people love about me are not the normal state of mind for me. I wish I was at my best always but I rarely ever am.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I hate my brain. I hate my body. I need a job, and I hate that.</span><br />
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<br />risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-39428593865528770502012-08-16T20:05:00.004-07:002012-08-16T20:05:53.604-07:00past mid august <div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
Moving again. </div>
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Instead of packing,</div>
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I ate half a bag of caramels, </div>
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and the last one almost killed me. </div>
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Tonight, I will go see turtle races at a bar.</div>
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I'm excited to get the keys to the new place. You can see the Forum from our balcony.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">I love LA, still. </span>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-77009305416875267372012-06-18T16:25:00.005-07:002012-06-18T16:25:57.106-07:00grasp<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
<span style="font-size: small;">It's really strange to me, that I could be hoisted on the shoulders of the world's most loyal, wonderful, generous friends, who love me so deeply... and still lose sleep over the one friend who has never reciprocated the kind of friendship I've offered. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">I've found myself petrified at the thought of losing anyone in my life. Loss has always hit me in a deep, raw, place, but since my sister died I want to keep everyone so close, keep them near, I don't want anyone wiggling out of my grasp. I know I can't live like that, but I also know I can't help it. </span></div>
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<br />risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-57155362479268605812012-05-06T00:48:00.003-07:002012-05-06T00:48:51.821-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"> One of my favorite ever photos I've taken. </span>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-78876140756938283962012-05-05T19:23:00.000-07:002012-05-05T19:24:08.672-07:00death preview<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
When I smile,</div>
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you see my teeth,</div>
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and when I'm dead 100 years,</div>
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my teeth will remain.</div>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-8948664726767616612012-04-29T23:36:00.001-07:002013-02-27T10:58:56.425-08:00open windows. tentatively.<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">
When your names are taken off the prayer chain, and the pity has melted out of everyone's eyes, that's when you're supposed to be okay. When you start appearing at things again, regularly, when people stop asking if you're doing alright, that's when you're supposed to be fine.</div>
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Because if you need prayer, three months later, if you need to talk three months later, if your heart is broken open and you feel the loss more deeply than you ever imagined you would, even when it happened, it's too late, you're supposed to be recovered. You had your time, and the world has kept going, so you need to catch up. There are other wounds to attend to.</div>
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Your family doesn't even ask you how you're doing, but, they didn't actually ask when it happened, anyway. But your breath catches in your chest and your lungs just don't fill up like they used to... like when she stopped breathing she took some of the precious oxygen with her. </div>
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Everything is at the verge of falling apart when everyone thinks its finally falling back into place. No, you can't walk up to even your closest friend and tell him, you are broken, and you need someone to watch you fall apart (but not tell anyone else because we're all pretending things are better now). You can't ask, because walking up and telling someone "I'm really, really, deeply sad." means that something is wrong with you, you're not grateful enough, or active enough, or faithful enough. It happened three months ago. You should be better. </div>
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Then you spend some time in the town where you both grew, expecting something magical and healthy and healing to happen, but instead the cool breeze breaks the desert night and you wonder what everyone who lives here does at night, and what you used to do at night. You go through the mental rolodex, your friends, moved, moved, moved, married, moved, here- but are we on good terms?, married, moved, then you get to her, you used to arrive late at her house when your nephew was asleep, and you would tell her everything. If she were in town now, you would drive over and tell her how broken your heart is. Then it stops and you remember she is gone. </div>
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You text someone, you say "I'm sad.", they reply "I know." and that's it. You can't tell them. No one, NO one, wants to hear, that you are pain. Because we're all in pain, and we're all supposed to understand that no one's is worse than anyone elses. We all lose, we all hurt, even REM said so. </div>
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But, my big sister is gone.... and I feel terrible. More terrible than I did when it happened. It's finally waking up inside of me. I had piled everything else in my life on top of the realization that my only sister is dead. She died unexpectedly, and no one knows how. </div>
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I find myself driving and wondering if she felt her time winding down. When she laid down for that mid-morning nap, was she aware she would not return from her sleep? Did she feel comfortable as she drifted off into the abyss that causes my stomach to turn over when I try to imagine it? </div>
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I need you to talk to me. I need you to ask me how I'm doing. I need you to ask me about my sister, and not just if I know how she died yet... because I don't... and if I did would it matter? She wouldn't be more alive for anyone of us if we knew she died of pneumonia or cancer or a drug overdose. </div>
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I need you to ask me, do you need to talk? And I need you to be okay with it when all of this spills out of me, like pus from a putrid infected wound. </div>
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<br />risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-8197295319726578212011-10-29T20:44:00.000-07:002011-10-29T21:16:39.313-07:00gestated.I could absolutely not be happier to be existing in Los Angeles right now. Things are so insanely busy, but so insanely great.<br /><br />Deep appreciation will always abide in me for Wisconsin, and I made friends there who will never stop being completely precious to me. Leaving behind my homegirl Lacie is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was however, embraced upon my return by so many wonderful wonderful friends! I have also established some amazing relationships with my class mates and it's not even november yet. I LOVE school for the first time in my life. My instructors are awesome and my classes are tough. But it's good. If I had known a few years ago what I'd be doing at this school my path might have been different, but I know I'm where i need to be, right now.<br /><br />A dear friend, who has known me for a long time, noted a change in me. It's weird to hear that. I have been meditating on that, and I realize that I spent that time in the arctic north incubating, gestating, and I've been preparing for crazy transformations, and they have been subtle, but important. I am at the verge of everything right now and I love it.<br /><br />Wisconsin shaped me, loneliness shaped me, Oaxaca awakened me, driving home prepped me, camp rejuvenated me, school is reteaching me, my friends love me, my room mate abides by me, and everything else is happening and I want to have it, see it, taste it, experience it.risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-51091830608277619882011-05-10T17:44:00.000-07:002011-05-10T18:01:32.153-07:00Songs for Superior friends.this has been a wild year. I moved across the country, hated life, loved life, hated it again, and now I'm moving back to California and I am so excited for what lies ahead and completely heart broken to be leaving behind the remarkable, wonderful, loving, creative, hilarious, people I have totally fallen in love with here.<br /><br />My Sup friends, I have been editing a meaningful and loving blog entry just for you in my head for a week, but nothing I could write here could do justice as an expression of what I am really feeling about you all (grateful, sad, hopeful, lucky, inspired).<br /><br />I have however, created you a mix, a musical collage if you will... and you can download it here!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.mediafire.com/file/1i7qu8dcv9jrjev/Songs%20for%20Superior%20Friends%20.zip">http://www.mediafire.com/file/1i7qu8dcv9jrjev/Songs%20for%20Superior%20Friends%20.zip</a><br /><br />So make room on your ipods, all of these songs were picked especially for you, (not all of them are family friendly, you've been warned) But they are all jams!<br /><br />You have all changed my life and I love you so very much, I hope you appreciate this token.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/4984636298/" title="Wi Point by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4104/4984636298_46914c6761.jpg" alt="Wi Point" height="239" width="500" /></a>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-31305389562376363682011-02-17T09:16:00.000-08:002011-02-17T09:23:41.481-08:006 months<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/5451126655/" title="uncompelling compositions by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5212/5451126655_f94e5b3112.jpg" width="500" height="333" alt="uncompelling compositions" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/5406332961/" title="northern life by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5100/5406332961_f6c27941e2.jpg" width="500" height="333" alt="northern life" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/5381657272/" title="pioneertown by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5128/5381657272_096a7874bf.jpg" width="500" height="356" alt="pioneertown" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/5303002560/" title="seasons beatings! by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5242/5303002560_2434b9d533.jpg" width="500" height="295" alt="seasons beatings!" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/4958455609/" title="main drag by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4097/4958455609_ea7ac03cac.jpg" width="500" height="404" alt="main drag" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/4939070735/" title="self explanitory by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4142/4939070735_ca01c10bd1.jpg" width="500" height="333" alt="self explanitory" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/4939014587/" title="I'm sure I can steer by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4094/4939014587_18c082d377.jpg" width="500" height="333" alt="I'm sure I can steer" /></a>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-61666493549819605492010-10-27T02:49:00.000-07:002010-10-27T02:51:17.194-07:00colliding with the very air she breathes.I would give anything for just a little bit of desert right now.<br /><br />I'm listening to my first Wisconsin winter blow in.<br /><br />Its almost 5 am, I haven't been to sleep yet. Thanks for nothing, Ambien.risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-67173853625411153122010-09-30T21:25:00.000-07:002010-09-30T21:26:50.804-07:00finally, september ends.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/5040065861/" title="sunset by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4075/5040065861_a46686bf29.jpg" width="500" height="333" alt="sunset" /></a><br />I spent sometime outside with my camera today.<br />It was good.<br />Did something that tore my brain up last night, Josh said I needed it. I miss him every day.risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-27481012725130247452010-09-24T00:26:00.000-07:002012-05-22T00:46:56.666-07:00Wisconsin Potpourri.This has been a journey of many surprises, many setbacks, much joy, and unbelievable loneliness.<br />
It's not like I ever expected moving across the country alone to be a freaking picnic, but I had heard such wonderful things about how sweet and kind people are in the midwest.<br />
Here is my attempt to share (some of) my experience in my new life, so far.<br />
<br />
I have quickly come to understand this phrase: Minnesota Nice. Which turns out, isn't that nice at all.<br />
See, my address is in Wisconsin, but almost geographically, culturally, and according to the station of NPR I pick up, I'm in Minnesota. Apparently, "minnesota nice" comes from the scandanavian culture, which is prominent in these parts. You mind your own business, you don't really smile if you don't have to, and when someone thanks you, you say "yup".<br />
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Now, in California, we are angry drivers, we talk too fast, and we are materialistic, but man, we smile when we pass someone on the sidewalk, and you bet your ass we hold doors for people. God, I miss the fabricated culture of customer service that has permeated my so. cal life since birth. I miss the heat, I miss the smog, GOD I MISS THE TRAFFIC, and sweet JESUS do I miss diversity.<br />
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My town, Superior Wi, shares a bay on Lake Superior with Duluth Mn. Its like 2 minutes across the bay, and I'm honestly really in love with Duluth. They have 2 bigger universities, and some cool bars, some cool shops, and cooler people. Its actually really really hilly, especially for the midwest. I like Duluth. And there's no clothing tax there. I saw Tapes N Tapes at a bar there a couple weeks ago, and met a couple of hot ass WASPy dudes who are like Duluth royalty. It really reminds me of a little, less diverse, less crazy, Oakland.<br />
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So, I'm homesick, but don't get me wrong. Aside from the crippling loneliness I'm experiencing, which is amplifying my pre-existing depression and anxiety, I kinda like it here. It's quiet, it's scenic, there is diversity in the wildlife i can encounter here (a fox crossed the street right in front of me when I was walking the other day, and he was such a gentleman he waited til he got to the other side to poop.)<br />
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My classes are pretty good. At first I was really worried about my faculty adviser, who also teaches the classes for my major, because her art is really really terrible. But now that I've gotten to know her, I really like her. She's silly and sensitive and doesn't take herself too seriously. I could take a lesson from that. But, she also makes me grateful for the art teachers I've had who were fierce and grizzled from their experiences with the LA art scene. They gave me a strong foundation and unattainable expectations that have placed me heads above my peers.<br />
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I am having a lot of trouble making friends. Before I left, everyone told me not to worry, I'm so funny and out going, I would have no trouble making friends. Most people do not know that under all that funny and outgoing is an intense anxiety disorder that keeps me from being fun and out going until i'm comfortable with you. <span style="font-style: italic;">I DON'T LIKE APPROACHING NEW PEOPLE. </span>Anyway, I'm on their turf now, they're the hosts, they should be approaching me, right?<br />
Well, I have taken almost every meal here by myself. Which probably is okay, it's kept me from eating all i can eat, at the all you can eat dining commons area. Although, I rarely <span style="font-style: italic;">want</span> to eat all I can eat there. I haven't even tried a dessert, because the thought of sitting at a table and eating a second course all by myself is kind of more than I can handle.<br />
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A couple of people have stooped to get to know me, I have made one pretty good friend. Her name is Miyuki, she is from Japan and she is adorable. She is really fun and we went out for thai food together. It wasnt that good. She has been in the US for a while and this is her second year in Superior. She has a dorky midwestern american boyfriend and for some reason it makes me feel weird.<br />
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I have my own nice sized room in a dorm that is about a mile off campus. The distance doesnt bother me, it is encouraging me to exercise more, because I really can't reconcile driving 3 blocks to find parking when it would take me almost as long to walk. I debated getting a bike, but its going to start snowing pretty soon, and i ran out of money. My room is a crazy mess, of course, but most of it is art stuff. Being really lonely has inspired me to make stuff. So now I stay up all night making shit, which the other night prompted me to wonder "am I on meth??". That in turn, inspired me to write a childrens book, or develop an interactive program for children entitled "Am I on Meth?" and it will take kids through a series of photos of people, and they will have to decide whether or not that person is on meth.<br />
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I have a work study job on campus that gives me a whoppin 7 hours a week. Makin copies, processing data, putting shit in folders, thats what I do. Today my supervisor, Emily, asked me if i could house sit for her next week. This struck me as odd because i JUST started my job last week, this was only my third day in the CETL office, and she really doesn't know me. But I said yes, because I can use any money i can get, and I don't have any reason to be around here by myself every night either.<br />
<br />
I went out to Emily's house tonight to learn the drill, meet her animals, and her husband. She has to be in her late 60's, so i was surprised when she told me they were going to Canada to go canoeing. I followed the map out to her house and it led me about 20 minutes outside of town, into amazing country roads with amazing trees changing amazing colors. I drove over creeks and a historic wind mill. I got to a big house, surrounded by wilderness, with a huge garden and a bunch of canoes and stuff. It turns out Emily, my supervisor, and her husband, are old hippies, and they do sustainable farming and hunt for their own meat. They have 2 dogs, 2 kittens, and 15 chickens. Their house is amazing and full of books, records, and art. They are both amazingly skilled artists, and they talked to me about how much they hate republicans. I fell in love with them and their house. Im so excited to house sit. They even have a secret room behind a book case! It's a root cellar (i just found out what that is today.) Emily opened it up and said "we could grow pot in here." I love my supervisor now, Im amazed at what a bad ass she is. I'm excited to spend time at their house. Maybe they can be like my adopted grandparents or something. Oh! And Erv, the husband, made dinner for us, and he made cheesy potatoes with JALAPENOS! No one here eats spicy food. Im in LOVE!<br />
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I see deer a lot, and I hear there are wolves, beavers, bears, bob cats etc around. This winter I will be able to see the northern lights. Just thinking about that makes me teary eyed. I cannot wait.<br />
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I am learning to live in a new country. I am as good as an international student. I can't wait to come home for thanksgiving, I can't wait for winter break. I can't wait for summer. I can't wait for my degree to be earned so I can come home for good, but in the mean time, I'm doing the best I can to enjoy and adapt to where I am.<br />
<br />risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-14256634163067270042010-04-25T01:04:00.000-07:002010-04-25T01:06:02.224-07:00things familiar for so long are taking new shapes. blossoming and changing in the fickleness of spring.<br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/4549598224/" title="springish by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4019/4549598224_406d712b2c_b.jpg" width="1024" height="683" alt="springish" /></a>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-16531917099576131392010-04-12T03:03:00.000-07:002010-04-12T03:11:49.095-07:00when you're real bad news.call it whatever you want.<br />But my life had to be torn down to be built back up.<br />New life is just around the corner.<br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/4514353658/" title="Untitled by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2112/4514353658_e17c092f4c.jpg" width="500" height="333" alt="" /></a>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-78943330271673094712010-03-26T13:42:00.001-07:002010-03-26T13:42:36.239-07:00<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/4454092155/" title="moo by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4030/4454092155_b26f1fc9c2.jpg" width="500" height="316" alt="moo" /></a>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-892091484676663132010-02-28T14:23:00.001-08:002010-02-28T14:34:38.644-08:00life is exploding.Doors are flinging themselves open.<br />I am so excited to walk through them.<br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/4395723203/" title="wisconsin_1895 by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2715/4395723203_e3a9a65d12.jpg" alt="wisconsin_1895" width="354" height="500" /></a><br />In August I will be leaving to start my life in Wisconsin as I finish up my phase as an eternal undergrad student. I am so looking forward to this adventure. I will be living in Superior Wi, one of the coldest places in the US... a far cry from the desert cocoon I grew up in and adore.<br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/4395722381/" title="BlueDiamond by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4015/4395722381_db6f1c94ab.jpg" alt="BlueDiamond" width="500" height="436" /></a><br />But before I go, I am going to have the opportunity to live and work as a program director all summer at a camp in Blue Diamond Nv.<br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/risayv/2738842597/" title="knot game by risayv, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3210/2738842597_52ffa5b7a6.jpg" alt="knot game" width="500" height="375" /></a><br />In the midst of that, I will be coming back to dean Riverside District Senior High Camp with one of my favorite people ever, Kevin Bannister. Being able to dean a camp has been a goal of mine for a long long time and I am so excited to get to serve in this way. Senior High camp was my haven as a teenager and my favorite place since then. This is going to be so incredible I can't wait to see it all happen!risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2780798691720190201.post-81842135577051705912010-01-24T16:23:00.001-08:002010-01-24T16:27:21.675-08:00beckyA few years ago my friend Becky died unexpectedly. She was my camp counselor one year at Junior High camp, but wasn't too much older than me. She was an amazingly faithful young woman who had worked hard to accomplish much. Becky inspired me and encouraged me. We were involved in many things together and I always looked forward to my time with her. <div> I was just looking at recent pictures her family took together on facebook. I wondered if it was hard for them, to gather as a family and pretend someone isnt missing.... or have they really healed and feel complete again? </div><div> Before she died she was in the hospital in a coma for about week, and I had the opportunity to go see her, but I couldn't. I wouldn't do it. I couldn't get in my car and go. I can't believe I gave up that last chance. </div><div>I will never let that happen again. </div>risahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08185539611976612794noreply@blogger.com0