needs more emojis.

A year ago, someone took pity on me. They said I was too smart to be working at World Market, and I had potential to be doing what I love. So they gave me a job doing what I love, only with a bunch of stuff I don't know how to do thrown in. So I wasn't very good at the new stuff right away, and no one helped me. Then summer came and I worked harder than I've ever worked on anything in my life. I slept very little and drove a lot and did all the things someone proving they don't suck needs to do.
And now I'm applying for a job at World Market.

divina

This morning when I opened my eyes and rolled over, I prayed. I prayed, 
 "Hey God, could some really good stuff happen? And I'm not talking about the way you make me introspectively realize how much good stuff is happening, like you usually do when I ask for something like this. I'm talking about good cool stuff." 

Then I proceeded to introspectively realize that some good stuff has been happening... then I prayed again "that's specifically not what I asked for."

And this is how it goes... 

Well, Jesus.

It's not that I don't care when a baby doesn't make it to term.

I was called "an apathetic accomplice to murder of thousands of innocent babies" yesterday, for questioning how someone who is pro-life (my understanding of which, being, someone who opposes all forms of the deliberate taking of life) could celebrate the death penalty.

Look, I spent most of my life praying for unborn babies. I wanted to start a "Rock4Life" chapter in my hometown in high school. I was like the anti abortion girl. Seriously. That was me. Because I was christian, and because killing babies is the worst thing that can ever happen.

I still feel that way. I still feel like killing a baby is the worst. But I'm adult now. And  I think putting people who are post-fetal into compromising, dangerous, or life threatening situations is also evil. I don't condone abortion. I do appreciate places that give women the tools to never have to be in the position to have to choose what to do with her own body.

Look, the thing is, I can give you 600,000,000 words right now on being pro-choice but there's no winning there. What this is really about is being Christian and being pro-choice, and being me, in the life and the understanding of this world that I believe comes from being rooted in Christ. Did I trade in my black and white Christianity and judgement glasses for the rose colored glasses of the "world"? Am I inching closer to the pit-fires of hell? (I don't believe in hell.)

I am getting to this point in my life, where I am dangling off the cliff of Christianity, my finger tips grasping while pebbles crumble under my weight and hit my face as they fall.  And you know what the craziest part is?! It's not the far-out fairy tale notion that Jesus was God and Human and then came back like a zombie... that part isn't hard for me to swallow. It's the other people. It's the christians, its the people I grew up with, was in youth group with, prayed with, and who taught me that Jesus' grace is sufficient. They are the people teaching me now that being racist is a little bit okay when your taxes are concerned, that love isn't as important as tradition, and that electing death for post fetal humans out rules the grace of Jesus.

I was told by fellow Christians that innocent people don't deserve to die, but criminals gave up their chance to live by sinning. But I've been taught all along that no sin is greater than another, and that Jesus' grace is big enough to cover all sins. Apparently, I'm learning, that only God is required to dole this shit out unconditionally, not the job of those who are supposed to be emulating Christ?

I am truly at a cross roads in my life. If I take on the cross of total human compassion, of radically loving people who commit the most heinous crimes, of not buying into the belief that grace is conditional, of loving my enemies (Matt 5:44) I risk losing many people who are great pillars in my life. I risk losing the ministries that have been a huge part of my life. It will mean a completely different reality for me.

So what now? I battle my friends, my faith, and question my own compassion.  Stay tuned.

My mom has been using a lot of my brother and my inside jokes recently to bond with me. This proves that she was in fact, awake and alive during my upbringing, she just ignored us.

Wisconsin.

I'm glad I don't live in Wisconsin anymore. Where does Natalie Dee Live?

Do I Hate Everything?

I just watched that video where that lady had to put her dog down, and her boyfriend or whatever, decides to give her a pug puppy to cheer her up. It infuriated me. Why?

Was it because I despise the audacity of people to assume that shit they do is important enough to be recorded and broadcast? I am, after all, reporting every dumb thing I experience on twitter, etc. 

Is it because it's fucking emotionally exploitive? Your girlfriend weeping because you did something nice is kind of an intimate moment, like, when she starts crying, turn the camera off and just be there, Jesus! 

Is it because like, SHE JUST PUT HER LIFE LONG DOG DOWN AND MAYBE SHE NEEDS SOME TIME BEFORE SHE GETS ANOTHER ONE? 

Or am I just super jealous? Do I wish I had dudes buying me baby pugs in times of emotional vulnerability and then like, making sure everyone knows how great they are? 

Something about this particular video feels so contrived, so invasive. 

Where was all my rage directed before I had to know what everyone was watching on youtube all the time? My mom, I guess. 

I hate everything. 

Clearly, I'm not ready.

If I had a following on this blog, you would know that I lost my sister and one of my best friends this year, along with a sad chorus of other people. I'm beginning to think that if this is happening so close to me, maybe death is after me and keeps missing.

Out of the loss of a friend and the experience of the loss of my sister, I have become friends with the brother of my friend Jeremiah, who left us.  He posted this song about a month ago, and it has not left my head or my mind.....