Well, Jesus.

It's not that I don't care when a baby doesn't make it to term.

I was called "an apathetic accomplice to murder of thousands of innocent babies" yesterday, for questioning how someone who is pro-life (my understanding of which, being, someone who opposes all forms of the deliberate taking of life) could celebrate the death penalty.

Look, I spent most of my life praying for unborn babies. I wanted to start a "Rock4Life" chapter in my hometown in high school. I was like the anti abortion girl. Seriously. That was me. Because I was christian, and because killing babies is the worst thing that can ever happen.

I still feel that way. I still feel like killing a baby is the worst. But I'm adult now. And  I think putting people who are post-fetal into compromising, dangerous, or life threatening situations is also evil. I don't condone abortion. I do appreciate places that give women the tools to never have to be in the position to have to choose what to do with her own body.

Look, the thing is, I can give you 600,000,000 words right now on being pro-choice but there's no winning there. What this is really about is being Christian and being pro-choice, and being me, in the life and the understanding of this world that I believe comes from being rooted in Christ. Did I trade in my black and white Christianity and judgement glasses for the rose colored glasses of the "world"? Am I inching closer to the pit-fires of hell? (I don't believe in hell.)

I am getting to this point in my life, where I am dangling off the cliff of Christianity, my finger tips grasping while pebbles crumble under my weight and hit my face as they fall.  And you know what the craziest part is?! It's not the far-out fairy tale notion that Jesus was God and Human and then came back like a zombie... that part isn't hard for me to swallow. It's the other people. It's the christians, its the people I grew up with, was in youth group with, prayed with, and who taught me that Jesus' grace is sufficient. They are the people teaching me now that being racist is a little bit okay when your taxes are concerned, that love isn't as important as tradition, and that electing death for post fetal humans out rules the grace of Jesus.

I was told by fellow Christians that innocent people don't deserve to die, but criminals gave up their chance to live by sinning. But I've been taught all along that no sin is greater than another, and that Jesus' grace is big enough to cover all sins. Apparently, I'm learning, that only God is required to dole this shit out unconditionally, not the job of those who are supposed to be emulating Christ?

I am truly at a cross roads in my life. If I take on the cross of total human compassion, of radically loving people who commit the most heinous crimes, of not buying into the belief that grace is conditional, of loving my enemies (Matt 5:44) I risk losing many people who are great pillars in my life. I risk losing the ministries that have been a huge part of my life. It will mean a completely different reality for me.

So what now? I battle my friends, my faith, and question my own compassion.  Stay tuned.