Tuesday, August 12, 2008

they have to or they die.

Last night I found myself at westside 15. An unmarked gay bar. (you have to be like that here to protect yourself.) It's on the outskirts of town, and I think serves a lot of don't ask don't tell clientele from Ft. Irwin, as well as random desert people seeking refuge and comradery.
I have been to this bar 3 times, for various reasons. Somehow, I turned 22 in this bar.
Tonight it was because my friend Greg has recently started tending there and told me to come in.
I have found myself in a friendless place, for the most part, here in my home town, so I couldn't turn down a chance to socialize
I never could have foreseen the kind of remarkable people I was going to somehow end up sitting next to through out the course of the evening.
I am going to reserve most of the details, but I will say that I ended up connecting in a very real way to the two men I ended up sitting next to. They both shared a great love and passion for very specific things that are of a particular importance to me. They both had walked in the literal, geographic foot steps of two of my most admired and beloved revolutionaries. Different continents, different times, different reasons.
But what are the odds, of being a small town gay bar and meeting two people who have done this?

Right now, my soul is stretched so thin. I'm hanging on to everything....everyone, I have, for dear life. But there are things happening, things bubbling up, culminating, moving.
My life is changing. Its hard, it sucks. But its going to be amazing. I know this.
I will hold tight to what I know is true, what I know is good.
I will hold tight to my future, as uncertain as it seems.
It's all just starting to unfold.

I love this place, but I wasn't meant to stay here forever. It may be a struggle to finally get away. But it will happen.

I have unofficially closed my former blog today. I'm just ready for a different audience. Or none at all. Its time to embrace this time in my life and make the growing pains something good.

My favorite author, Donald Miller wrote this about moving to Portland from small town Texas:

And I could not have known then that if I had been born here, I would have left here. gone someplace south to deal with horses, to get on some open land where you can see tomorrow's storm brewing over a high desert. I could not have known that everybody, every person, has to leave. has to change like seasons; they have to or they die.



Grouch said...

My favorite comedian, Patton Oswalt once said this about moving to California from Sterling, VA:

When you're growing up in a non-descript, soulless, boring town, you've been given a present from God. And the present is the Test of the Small Town. And you pass the test when you go, "I'm leaving before I kill everyone and then myself." You have passed.

You fail when go, "I'll get a job at the Citgo and fill my truck up for free!" You fucked up.

risa said...

haha. thank you.
I love you forever.