Sunday, August 31, 2008

honk honk

Neither of us have any reason to feel guilty.
I have ALWAYS cried all the time. Since I came out of the womb. Except when I was sleeping.
Which is still true.
I'm just leaky, and I'm just sleepy.
I came out sad and tired. I switch off.
I have been told for a long time that I am a shitty person, and Im kind of starting to believe it.
I was asked to attend something next weekend and I will. I hope something speaks to me there.
Most likely it will just make me feel guiltier.
But at least I'll be with friends for most of the weekend.
I supposed I've put myself where I am and this is all my fault.
But I don't think I couldn't have fallen in love. this has always been slotted to happen.

I have cramps so I took a vicodin.

oh yeah, my best guy friend got married yesterday, it was lavish and beautiful. It was full of love and celebration. I hung out with a baby and there was an open bar. I was nervous about seeing some of the people who were going to be there because they're all my age, and are married and have kids, but when I told them I'm still living at home they all kinda were like "man, I wish I still lived at home"

I am happy for Joel. I cried a whole bunch watching the video of his proposal and their exchange of vows. I mostly hate that kind of crap, but it was really really beautiful to see this woman sees the wonderful things that I love about Joel and that he has given everything he can to her, and that he wants to lay down everything for her. He's always been sentimental.
He was the only guy who didn't freak me out when he cried... until this year.

...Want something back, all the things that got cracked...
..And all the million mistakes and all the kicks in the face..
... I don't want you to die in me.

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